The Dog Ate my Data

"You might remember Live Earth. It was a worldwide string of concerts which frivolously wasted huge amounts of fossil fuels to help raise awareness of mankind’s frivolous waste of fossil fuels.

Now that Mr. Gore has moved on to other things such as winning Nobel Peace Prizes, it’s only appropriate that he should have a tribute band. At least that’s what my evil twin brother and rocker, Butch Spencer, told me. Butch and several of his musician friends got together a year or so ago and recorded a couple of songs (mp3’s and lyrics below) to honor Mr. Gore’s tireless efforts to Save the Earth.

The band was called EcoFreako, and it lasted about a week before everyone found better things to do with their free time. Since then, the songs have been wasting away on my computer until I re-discovered them when transferring files to my new, Energy Star-compliant desktop supercomputer."

Bishop Tutu On Going Down (05:02 UTC 311209)

Following a couple of shots of Viagra, Desmond Tutu opined with the following message; and a warning,

We are saying to the rich countries, “You are not going to be able to quarantine yourself, there is no place that’s going to be safe. If we go down, we all go down. We have the chance of survival, and more than just survival: we have the chance of building a new world.”

It was a different story after the party.




And just to prove that not all the hotties are deluded I present Miss Maria dos Santos.


Maria is a firm (some would say very firm) AGW skeptic. She refuses to date “any of those doomsday AGW morons. The climate is nothing to be afraid of,” says Maria. "I like to get out every day on the beach here at Ipanema and play. The weather here varies as much as 10 degrees in a day. Humans are adaptable. When it gets hot I just put on a skimpier bikini. No harm has every come from it.”

Way to go Maria!

Scientists Discover Temperature Anomalies Make Fish Real Mad (05:55 UTC 311209)




The year 2009 saw another important discovery by scientists. Rising temperatures makes good fish go bad.

Early Paleo-Climatologist Found (06:00 UTC 311209)

Scientists have just discovered the remains of what appears to be an early AGW climatologist in Africa. They believe they may have stumbled upon an early UN paleogabfest on anthropogenic global warming that was suddenly overtaken by a bliazzard,  tragically killing all in attendance. A computer reconstruction appears at left.

Scientists found other similar fossils in the area and the remains of numerous illegible placards together with scratchings in nearby ancient river clay deposits representing, according to archeolinguists, a draft document detailing a scheme to tax emissions from the then newly discovered cooking fire technology sweeping the rich developed homo clans of the region and all but impoverishing proto homos in the process who were forced to eat raw vegetables instead of juicy steaks. There were also provisions relating to fire technology transfer rights and a complex coconut reparations justice model.

Dr Mann of Penn State University is quoted as saying, “the evidence is undeniable; AGW was recognized by scientists then and now. This is clear proof of a body of evidence. There is no debate.” Unfortunately my interview with Dr Mann was cut short by a hearing he had to attend by the Penn State University Senate into his research. Damn.

Archeologists speculate that the early development of an unproductive activist “civil society” class by the as yet unnamed proto homo species was simply too much for their primitive technology and economy to sustain leading to the early extinction of the species. We will never know for certain but one thing that is certain is that much more funding and research into this remarkable find is required.

An alternative IPCC backed reconstruction of the digitised remains performed by CRU scientists using the University of East Anglia SuperDooper Computer Array which put the data through a 100,000 year 14th polynomial inverted contortion filter (patent pending) following Jones et al 1999 and smoothing and smearing the result yielded this:



I know what I would rather believe. I think CRU's funding worries are over.

Gay Whale Molests Lesbian Greenpeace Eco Warrior (07:18 UTC 311209)

Reports are filtering in that a gay humpback whale has inappropriately “touched” a lesbian Greenpeace activist during a specially authorized US EPA close encounter research dive. The woman is reported to have filed a law suit against the US government for negligence in authorizing the dive. Damages could exceed the entire national US debt. Upon hearing the news the whale expelled such a quantity of noxious methane and carbon dioxide gases that the nearby Green Peace ship, Eco Something or Other sank in less than 3 minutes. An all female rescue crew has been dispatched from a yurt in Nepal to perform a gender sensitive rescue and is expected on the scene in less than 82 hours. The US Coast Guard is investigating claims that laughter was heard in radio transmissions allegedly originating in the area of operations of the Japanese whaling fleet.

Greenpeace broadcast the following video of a constipated angry child to the whales in an attempt to scare them from further hostilities.



A spokesperson for Greenpeace said, “if the whales see the kind of threats from children that we are prepared to release on our own species, they will know we mean business when it comes to dealing with them! The whales would be very unwise to underestimate either our capabilities or our resolve.” Garbled reports of a second Greenpeace ship just being sunk by a suspiciously odorous bubble in Copenhagen harbor have yet to be confirmed.

Weather (08:02 UTC 311209)


The UK Met Office released their forecast for New Year’s Day. They say there is a 51% chance that the weather tomorrow will be different from today.

“We have reached a broad consensus,” stated the director (snowbound on holidays in the Scottish Highlands) of the clandestine AGW First Response Climate Team operating undercover within the bureau. This could be the last snowfall we see for a millennium.”

Asked to explain how the lingering cold snap fits in with the AGW hypothesis the director was heard to say, “why don’t you flat earther’s just F### OFF!”

The director then hurled a large wad of homogenized climate statistics weighing in excess of 5 kilo’s at the reporter. UK prosecuting authorities are expected to lay charges against the director for assault in the next few hours. Latest information is that ambulances have been prevented from attending the scene due to impassible roads covered in deep powder snow.

Lord Monckton issued a statement that he would be willing to attempt a rescue with a 4WD Land Rover assuming relevant persmissions could be obtained from the newly incorporated UK Carboncops in time but he had almost used all his carbon allowance for the year and still had a new years party to get to in a neighbouring glen later this evening.

Have a great last day for 2009!